This page is an experiment in swimming (?) related humor.

If you know of any real swimming jokes/humor please let me know!

"All the water that will ever be, is right now."

National Geographic, October 1993

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The absolutely perfect name for a masters swimming team: MOIST - Mostly Older Individuals Swimming Together; courtesy of my daughter, Shea and wife, Paula.
Swimming Puzzles
Click here to view a very special digital clock

Stress relief to use after stress test

Blonde Swimmers

A blonde, brunette and a red-head were trapped on a island 20 miles from shore. The red-head started swimming and got tired after 2 miles and turned around and swam back. Then the brunette started to swim and after 7 miles of swimming she turned back. The blonde jumped in and swam 17 miles got tired and turned back.

How do you kill a blonde?
-Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

A blonde, brunette, and red head, all physically fit woman, were crossing a lake in a breast stroke swimming race. The brunette finished first and was followed shortly behind by the red head. Unfortunately, the blonde seemed to be struggling and the life guards were sent in a row boat to rescue her. When she was safely aboard the row boat, the life guards inquired as to why she had such a difficult time crossing the lake. The blonde seemed to grimace and lowered her eyes as she replied “I don’t mean to be a tattle-tale, but the other two woman used their arms!”

Clinton Goes Swimming

One day the White House agents found that Clinton was using the pool more often than usual. Every day at 5pm the president would change into his bathing duds and jump in the pool. He would then hold his breath and dive to the bottom, staying there for as long as his lungs could hold. He would then come out...take another breath and repeat the procedure. He did ths repeatedly until he was ready to faint and then would crawl out of the pool and continue with his day's work.

After about a week of this ..the agents started worrying aboout the presidents mental stability. One of the agents finally mustered up the courage and consulted Clinton on the reason behind his odd behavior.

"Well.." said Clinton....."One of my staff members recently told me that deep down I'm not so stupid."

Fitness Swimming

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Why should you never swim on a full stomach? Because it's easier to swim in water!

Laws of Competitive Swimming

(much like Sir Isaac Newton’s laws of motion)

*Law of Competitive Gravity*

When left unattended, a swimmer will gravitate to the worst technique possible.

*Law of Inertia*

A swimmer at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by an outside force. A swimmer in motion will tend to rest as soon as possible unless acted upon by an outside force.

*Conservation of Matter*

Matter or Mass can neither be created nor destroyed, except by 11-18 year old females, when it can magically appear in the most inopportune places and quantities imaginable.

*Opposition Principle*

When asked to kick rapidly, swimmers tend not to; when told not to kick, swimmers tend to kick rapidly.

*Space, Time Continuum*

When swimming Breaststroke or Butterfly in practice, swimmers hands are attracted to the turning wall, each hand at a different speed, at different times, at different points not in the same plane.

*Laws of Acceleration & Momentum*

The law of acceleration may only apply for 3 minutes after coach reminds swimmer it is important, then the law of Momentum becomes dominant soon to be replaced by the law of Inertia.

*Law of Static Levels*

Swimmers will automatically seek their own comfort level and tend to attract others to so the same.

* Mind over Matter*

The mind can overcome many obstacles during competition but the same does not usually apply during practices.

*Law of Finite Attraction*

Even after carefully explaining the efficiency and effectiveness of an ideal stroke rate, within 3 minutes swimmer will invariably lose the ability to count strokes and think about any related concept. See similar anomaly under Law of Acceleration.

* Relativity *

The position of the swimmer’s body in relation to the position it is supposed to be in, may vary up to +or- 100%.

*Vertical and Horizontal Telemetry *

When rotated 90 degrees from the vertical to supine or sublime position, the brain loses most of its ability to function.

*Historical Principle of Babylon*

Within 3 minutes of the start of coach speaking, the swimmers begin hearing unrecognizable tongues. See similar anomaly under Law of Finite Attraction.

*Fluid Mechanics*

The amount of fluids the bladder can retain is directly proportional to the difficulty of the middle of the current practice set. The same principle seems to apply to ripping caps and broken goggle straps, but no scientific evidence connecting the 3 has been documented.

The Tempos of Swimming

Largo lar•go Swimming adv. adj. 1. In a very slow tempo, usually considered to be slower than adagio, and with great dignity. Used chiefly as a coaching direction. n. pl.

Larghetto lar•ghet•to Swimming adv. adj. 1. In a dignified style and slow tempo, usually considered to be slightly faster than largo but slower than adagio. Used chiefly as a coaching direction. n. pl.

Adagio a•da•gio Swimming adv. adj. 1. In a slow tempo, usually considered to be slower than andante but faster than larghetto. Used chiefly as a coaching direction. n. pl.

Andante an•dan•te Swimming adv. adj. Abbr. and. 1. In a moderately slow tempo, usually considered to be slower than allegretto but faster than adagio. Used chiefly as a coaching direction. n. 1. An andante lap or pool length. [ Italian, from present participle of andare to walk ultimately perhaps from Latin?]

Allegro al•le•gro Swimming adv. adj. Abbr. allo 1. In a quick, lively tempo, usually considered to be faster than allegretto but slower than presto. Used chiefly as a coaching direction. n. pl.

Presto pres•to Swimming adv. 1. Music In a very fast tempo, usually considered to be faster than allegro but slower than prestissimo. Used chiefly as a coaching direction. 2. So suddenly that magic seems involved; right away. n. pl.

Prestissimo pres•tis•si•mo Swimming adv. adj. 1. In as fast a tempo as possible. Used chiefly as a coaching direction. n. pl.

See swimming guy demonstrating swimming tempos below. Also, pay particular attention to uneven tempo.


Bill Gates decided to hold a contest for the lawyers. Whoever wins gets to handle all of Microsoft's business. The day of the event, the Gates' estate is swamped with lawyers, all eager for the nod from the richest man in the world.

"Gentlemen," Gates starts, "please follow me." He leads them to an enormous swimming pool filled with piranha. Then he snaps his fingers. With that, a servant opens the door. A cow rushes out and stumbles into the pool. In no time at all, the cow is nothing but bones.

Gates says, "Any man who can swim the length of that pool shall represent me in all my business and personal dealings."

Instantly, a lawyer named Carl pitches into the water. Furiously he swims across the pool, hauls himself out and stands there panting."

"Bravo!" shouts Gates. "You have proven to me how much you want my business."

"Actually, I want just one thing." Carl gasps.

"What's that?"

"The name of the bastard that pushed me in."

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post mortuum examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully-clad diver ended up in the
middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was
doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
swimming pool on the cheap - line a pick-up bed!
Here's a great idea from Ruth Carter just in time for that sweltering Alaska summer weather just ahead. All you need is a truck, some visqueen (a blue tarp would probably work fine...just patch the holes with duck tape), and water. A case or two of brewsky would probably help too.

Curious Swimming Related (?) Factoids

President Andrew Jackson's favorite sports/hobbies were billiards, swimming, and walking.

Titanic was the first ocean liner to have a swimming pool and a gym.

Elephants are capable of swimming twenty miles a day. They use their trunks as natural snorkles.

African Black-footed penguins, although they cannot fly, can swim up to 25 miles per hour which is faster than the Atlantic Bottlenosed dolphin, which can attain speeds of 18-23 mph.

Lake Baikal in Russia (the deepest lake in the world) is home to an unusual population of freshwater seals. They eat fish and it is amazing that they can survivie through the relatively harsh winters there. The lake usually freezes over from January to May with ice thickness from 70-115 cm. and the seals keep holes open (for breathing) by constantly swimming through them (to keep the ice from forming).

The first unscheduled news event on television was a fire on Ward's Island, New York City, in November 1938. An NBC mobile unit happened to be working at a swimming pool just across the river, and turned its cameras on the flames. Newspapers throughout the country took pictures directly from the television screen to use in their papers. [Source: The Pictorial History of Television]

If you have blonde hair that goes greenish from swimming pool chlorine, you put ketchup on it and it balances the pigments out.

Captain Matthew Webb of England was the first to swim the English Channel using the breaststroke, which was used earlier by Benjamin Franklin. [Source: The 365-Days-a-Year Trivia Desk Calender 1999 Edition]

Tuna swim at a steady rate of nine miles per hour for an indefinite period of time -- and they never stop moving. Estimates indicate that a fifteen year old tuna must have traveled one million miles in its lifetime. [Source: Issac Asimov's Book of Facts]

Sharks gills can't take in water by themselves. This means that sharks can neither sleep nor stop swimming.

Correction: Some sharks can actually stop swimming and still breath by opening and closing their mouths to pump water over the gills.

It is illegal to swim in Central Park,NYC.

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

Turtles possess the ability to absorb oxygen directly from the water in which they swim (kind of like fish).

In some volcanic areas such as Iceland, the temperature rises beneath the surface of the earth as high as 680 degrees F (360 degrees C) that engineers can tap the geothermal energy by piping hot water from underground to warm nearby homes, offices and factories. Many outdoor swimming pools in the Icelandic capital of Reykjavik are heated so effectively by this method that it remains open and in use all year round. [Reader's Digest Book of Facts]

The turbopump on the Space Shuttle main engine is so powerful it could drain an average family-sized swimming pool in 25 seconds. The question is, what is a family sized swimming pool? [NASA]

At 4:48 PM -0800 3/31/01, Edward P. Mjolsnes wrote:

The space craft turbo pumps I worked on in the '60's moved between 25,000 and 50,000 gpm. Dividing that by 60 and multiplying by 25 gives you 10,000 to 20,000 gallons. Assuming an average depth for a "family pool" of 5 feet and a width of 12 feet gives you a length between 23 feet and 45 feet.

That should teach you not to ask a question you don't need the answer to!


Esther Williams did not win any Olympic medals for swimming or for diving. The year she was to compete (1940) the Olympics were suspended due to WWII.

Right now as you sit reading this, more than 100,000,000 microcreatures are swimming, feeding, reproducing, and depositing waste inside that area behind your lips.

Kangaroos are excellent swimmers. [Source: Kangaroo Facts]

John Quincy Adams regular morning routine included a nude swim in the Potomac. [Source: Useless Facts]

Did you ever wonder why some folks wim faster than others? Click on the image below to find out. Clicking on the image to the left (several SWAMmers) will allow you to download a 500k QuickTime movie witch shows why some folks swim faster than others.

If you don't have quicktime, you can get it by downloading using the link below.

get Quicktime
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is tu eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

Wait for it

Wait for it

"I've seen Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".
Row Row A Boat!

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing. She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!" Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"

When Pigs...Swim

There are two guys in a life raft. One sees a fin in the water and shouts: "Uh oh, a shark, we'll be eaten alive!!"

The other one says: "Don't worry, the danger of sharks is overrated; every year more people are killed by pigs than sharks."

The first one replys: "I didn't know pigs could swim."

P.S. The statistic is apparently true.
What do you call a swim team made up of girls named Jennifer?



Mistaken Identity    

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Copyright 2004 - AKMS
Last Update: 7:26 PM on Mon, Jan 24, 2005
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